I originally wanted to post this in Facebook, but since it’s so hard to format notes in Facebook, I’ll just post it here. Oh, in case you’ve been living in a cage for 7 years, here’s a little character introduction for y’all.
So here’s the thing: I held a grudge against Twilight. Yes, you heard me. I mean, I’ve had hordes of teenage girls spamming my inbox with hate mails that basically says, “Look, bitch, you haven’t even read the books. Don’t comment based on something you don’t know!”
(With, of course, a lot of spelling mistakes, bunch of offensive words, tons of exclamation points and major caps lock problem)
So off I go to the land every sane person avoids: SPARKLELAND! Where plain emo-teen girls become the center of every other character’s universe, violent abusive sparkly boyfriends are sexy and stringing guys along are for the win.
And let’s not forget: VAMPIRE BASEBALL RULZ OMG! And BAAAAAAAABIES!
After reading the four official Twilight Saga books (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn), I finally picked one that is my favorite. Twilight annoyed me with bunch of repetitive words (Yes, Edward, I know. You’re chagrined) and “angsty teen love omg”. New Moon basically made me wanna rip all my hair out and filled me with feminist rage for the explicit message that clearly says that a woman can’t live without a significant other (also for promoting teenage suicide). Eclipse made me want to do a mean nasty pimp-slap to Bella for justifying the whole love-triangle thing. By the way, Jacob, you’re a total douchebag in Eclipse. Your medallion of awesomeness is revoked by Barney Stinson himself.
But Breaking Dawn is surprisingly good. Good in the context of “so bad it’s good”; pretty much like every 1950s B-list movies and I even sing ‘We Want the Funk’ by the middle of third section. The Mary Sue-ishness, guys! The pedophilias! The imprinting! The gory birth scene! Fountain of blood! Nymphomaniacs! Bestiality! O THE ANGST! And my personal favorite: HEADBOARD-BREAKING, FURNITURE-SMASHING PILLOW-BITING SEX SCENES!
If they actually make the movies (it’s divided in two parts, remember?) exactly like the book, I bet you anything they’ll be the most screwed up movies in the history of humankind. You know, the kind that your grandkids will laugh at 50 years from now. Just like how we laugh at “Plan 9 from Outer Space”.
Now, let’s count the ways how Breaking Dawn is hilariously horrible (otherwise known as hilarible), shall we?
FYI: quotes in italics are real. No, seriously. They actually appear in the book.
Book 1: Bella (What, nobody warned you that this book is divided in three sections?)
Bella got engaged, got enrolled in Dartmouth, Mercedes Guardian, black shiny credit card and yeah, she still throw a hissy fit about it. She then angst some asinine bullshit about not wanting to get old omg and in order to do so she’s gotta be a vampire so she can stay young, but Edward is all like “marry me, babe, and it’s on” and she’s all “I don’t wanna marry so young, but I wanna screw you! And I don’t wanna die OOOOOOOLD”; but WAIT! Edward is a 19th century man, so he goes “PREMARITAL SEX IS NOT OKAY! I DON’T WANT MY SOUL TO BURN IN HELL!”
Seriously, people, get a life.
Oh, then they goes off and tell Bella’s parents who goes “whatevs, go and get married already”. And then there’s this bachelor party for Edward that consists of hunting grizzly bears and mountain lions for snacks. No, seriously. That’s their idea of bachelor party. You know what? I’ll make a note and tell my future husband to stick with the striptease and binge drinking.
BUT WAIT! Bella decided to get her freak on like whoa before he goes and I sort of imagined they have the song “Push It” on the background (“Yo, baby pop! Yeah you! Come here, gimme a kiss! Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed!”)
I thought he would laugh, but he didn’t answer, and his body was motionless with sudden stress. The gold in his eyes seemed to harden from a liquid to a solid.
Well, at least we finally know he’s not gay. And, enough with the soul burning in hell stuff, will ya? Plus, “you can’t have babies with me ‘cause vampires can’t have kids” thing is just nauseating.
AND OMG THEY GOT MARRIED! FINALLY! And the wedding was kinda awesome, thanks to Edward’s adoptive vampire sister Alice. I mean, it’s all wah-wah wedding with thousands of flowers and all that. AND HEY, JACOB! He came to her wedding reception to see her for the last time and what did she say?
“Now everyone I love is here.”
Bella, have you ever heard of ‘ménage à trois’? Do it. I am SICK of listening to all this love-triangle angst bullshit you keep throwing at us.
Then Edward is starting to have second-thought about all this sex crap because vampires are super strong and he’s gonna lost his shit and break her bones so he wants her to be a vampire first. But she doesn’t want to because she wants to experience sex as a human, but he won’t unless they’re married or she turned into a vampire but she doesn’t want t—I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
I’m scared I’m gonna shoot myself before finishing this book.
On to the honeymoon, shall we? Edward and Bella took off for a honeymoon in Isle Esme somewhere in South America. Yes, people. Isle Esme as in Esme Cullen. Apparently, Carlisle got her an island for their anniversary or something. Oh how I long for this day; the day that Edward and Bella finally have sex after angsting about it for three books. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t thinking all the nasty stuffs (okay, maybe I am). But I’m seriously curious
“How badly are you hurt?”
“Why am I covered in feathers?” I asked, confused.
He exhaled impatiently. “I bit a pillow. Or two. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“You … bit a pillow? Why?”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TOLD YA I’M NOT KIDDING! HE BIT A PILLOW!
It should also be noted that Edward’s second favorite snack from now on is pillow. Wait, so mountain lion influenced his hunting style, right? Like, he strides like mountain lion and the whole rawr thing. So what does a pillow symbolize? I’m telling you, this is one of so many questions left unanswered. Another example is, “HOW THE HECK DID YOU MANAGE TO HAVE SEX WITH A CORPSE WITHOUT VOMITTING EVERY 5 SECONDS, BELLA?!” and the more scientific-related question (if you get my drift. And I think you do)
“Look, Bella!” he almost growled. He took my hand—very gingerly—and stretched my arm out. “Look at that.”
This time, I saw what he meant.
Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then reappear.
Edward is deeply chagrined by this.
“That,” I snapped. “That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.”
What is this? I—I don’t recognize this Bella. The Bella I know would never be angry at Edward. She’s submissive, remember? This Bella is SANE! SANE, Y’ALL!
He touched the frown line between my eyebrows. “I’m making you unhappy now. I don’t want to do that.”
“Then don’t you be unhappy. That’s the only thing that’s wrong here.”
And she’s logical. Good God. Is Meyer doing this just to balance all the horrifying bad stuffs that’s about to come up? I hope so. I mean, I haven’t even start snarking. C’mon, where’s my snarkfest?
Oh hey, they did some diving, and snorkeling, and swimming with the turtles. You know, so Bella would be too tired to have sex with Edward at night. And apparently it worked. So then Bella had some hot rough sex dream and when she wakes up, she cried (no, really) because it’s all just a dream. He feels guilty and they have some lingerie-shredding (did I tell y’all that Alice packed Bella with a suitcase full of lingerie?) headboard-breaking sex.
I swear in the name of Luke Skywalker that is what happened.
Then some random Brazilian cleaning woman came in and cleaned their room (with all the broken furnitures, tee hee) and she confronted Edward because she knows “what he really is”.
Oh, and Edward speaks Brazilian well. Why am I not surprised?
Wait, what? PORTUGUESE, MEYER! PORTUGUESE IS THE NATIVE LANGUAGE OF BRAZIL!
Where is that woman during the 3rd grade Geography?
Anyway, Edward goes off to hunt animals because he hasn’t eaten in few days so Bella’s basically alone and she’s, like, hungry at night so she makes some chicken and barfed and thought she’s got food poisoning or something. But then…
I had absolutely no experience with pregnancy or babies or any part of that world, but I wasn’t an idiot. I’d seen enough movies and TV shows to know that this wasn’t how it worked. I was only five days late. If I was pregnant, my body wouldn’t even have registered that fact. I would not have morning sickness. I would not have changed my eating or sleeping habits. And I most definitely would not have a small but defined bump sticking out between my hips.
I…I don’t even wanna discuss that part. You go on and make your own conclusion. Keep in mind, y’all, that this is all happening on their honeymoon. Yes, I know.
Okay, remember the science-related question that I didn’t ask? Yeah, well I’ll be blunt about it: in Stephenie Meyer’s sparkleland, VAMPIRES TOTALLY HAVE SPERMS. Meyer, I’ll pack you my 10th grade IGCSE Biology textbook. You have a lot to catch on, woman.
Edward is, again, deeply chagrined by this. His phone is ringing, and Alice contacted to ask him if she’s pregnant (she’s a psychic, FYI) because Carlisle thinks so. And they rush home to set out on different missions. Edward (being the sensible one, this time) wanted her to abort the baby because heck, she looked three months pregnant in 5 days. And Bella wanted to save the baby because in her dreams, “teh byootiful baby” resembles Edward a lot (she even called him E.J in her mind) so she goes ahead and call Rosalie (Edward’s adoptive vampire sister who bitch mightily whenever Bella’s involved but revealed why she’s so meeeeeean to her in Eclipse. Turns out, y’all, she’s mad because Bella wants to throw away her life as human when Rosalie wanted to be human so bad. You know, because she wanted to have a baby) to ask for her help.
Hey, like I said, “BAAAAAAAAAAAAABIES!”
*tune in for Book 2: Jacob. Which is horrificent, by the way*
